September 19, 2011

Dear Front Porch, I Want To Break Up With You.

I hate my front porch. From a distance? It looks okay. But upon closer inspection, it's like the poor country cousin to our gorgeous back porch. Oh sure! It may have been a fine front porch back in the day-o. But the bloom is off the rose, the bolts are out of the railing, and whole swaths of white paint are off the ceiling. Here's a tour of the front porch in all it's ghetto-y glory.
I have suspicions as to how the bolt ended up missing. But if I told you, I might be sued for libel.
I am so scared to pry off the plastic ceiling. So scared. Because I am guessing that whatever is underneath was covered for a reason. Possible (likely) reason: the ceiling is in very shitty condition. The thought of 'restoring' another round of bead board=crying and hand flailing. But the plastic has to go. Why? Because it is plastic, that's why.
And don't even get me started on that light.
The view through the glass panel is:

a. Cringe worthy
b. *(stunned silence)*
c. Rage inducing
d. A twice daily happening
e. Oh dear, what are those paper bags? Are those.......CAT BEDS? OMG.
f. All of the above
Maybe I can just glue the peeling paint back on?
Can't get rid of the 1960's era aluminum storm screen door fast enough. SWAT! Don't let it hit your ass on the way out!
Concrete steps are one thing. But broken crumbling patched concrete steps? 'Ghett' to the 'O'.

I hope you've enjoyed the tour. Don't you feel better about your front porch? We'll be here all winter folks! Don't forget to tip your bartender!


  1. At least you know the "after" photos will be stunning and soooo satisfying :)

  2. honestly? this does make me feel a little better about my nappy-ass front porch :)

  3. NO, I DON'T FEEL BETTER ABOUT MY FRONT PORCH BECAUSE IT IS EERILY SIMILAR IN CONDITION & GHETTO-FABULOUS-NESS. Only major difference is the cats (yes CATS, we've graduated from 1 stalker cat to 3 STALKER CATS & I don't like where we're headed with this) only defile the BACK yard and seem to leave the front yard alone. Possibly because the front porch stresses them out too. They are smart cats.

  4. Ok, you're right. It needs some help. But with your track record I'm sure it'll someday look fantastic. Dull people have immaculate houses--I repeat that to myself on almost a daily basis.

  5. Um, can you say tons of potential! It's an awesome space ... it's just needs a little love :)

  6. I'm not even going to comment about the cats.

    I am with you on the 1960's storm door issue... we have the same ugly thing in front of our gorgeous wood door and it hits me in the ass every day at least once.

    to help you visualize how awesome your porch reno/repainting will be, here is a post my friend did of his porch revival.

    It's going to be amazing, I'm sure. Mine's awful too... maybe one day I'll post about it. (with much shame).

    - agata.

  7. oh dear God! That glass partition needs to become a wall.

    I echo your thoughts on the ceiling, too.

    Whatever, it's going to be fabulous!

  8. I can't wait to see what it will look like when you get done with it! I would love to rip off our porch too and put a beautiful brick front steps and porch day..many years from today..hey, a girl can dream right?

  9. Oh my goodness you are living next door to the Beales of Grey Gardens!! Please --no haters when I say this but I am not so much of a cat person unless the said cat is fat and fuzzy and loves to just snuggle and doesn't kick poop out of the box.

    But you know what? When you get the wind to do this job, I know you will make it spectacular.

    And if this makes you feel ANY better, the only reason we have a new front door to our crappy "porch" ( aka slanting cement stoop) is because someone in our charming neighborhood decided to stop breaking into our cars and start kicking in doors.

  10. p.s. I am assuming the fort is also shade-loving with the Hosta plants there? If so, I could TOTALLY see some clematis armandii (check my spelling if/when you google it) which is an evergreen clematis, growing on an arbor or trellis somewhere in the front!! :)

  11. Oh my this is just way too funny. The plastic stuff on your ceiling .... slumlord next door used it to wrap his support columns on the porch because he didn't want to paint them. A 1920's farm house. Let me rephrase that, he pieced together sections, some short, some long, not plum, not straight - GHETTO! Our city thinks that this is just fine.

    Our porch is just sad, it is not original to the house and it is a huge waste of space. The monster porch is off center throwing the the whole house out of balance. We don't use it and have no real interest in sitting out there watching reruns of a Jerry Springer show aka our neighborhood, yawn. Now we have talked about selling tickets, popping some popcorn and capitalizing on the ghetto drama ... but I would really like to enclose it and put it to better use.

  12. My front porch is also horrendous. Yours has TONS of potential though!

  13. This is really interesting. More works should be done.

  14. remember that time you opened your bathroom floor and the joist had been seriously compromised?

    so we opened up our soon-to-be laundry room floor..... you're welcome to take a look - perhaps it will be nostalgic for you.

    (I think I want to throw up).

  15. At least your front porch doesn't have pressboard patches over weak spots on the decking... yeah that'd be my front porch, totally guilty of the ghetto porch. When it comes to our porch I just keep telling myself "just one more winter, then its gone. just one more winter.."

    Oh after photos, they are always made so much better when the "befores" are shocking :)

  16. p.s. I broke up with our front door earlier this year, I just don't have a great love for ugly things.

  17. Yup, ghetto. What is up with the cats? Are they strays or pets?? Oh, that is just awful. I hear you on the plastic and peeling paint - we've tackled way too much of that so far.

  18. Hah, hilarious! I'll pray your for porch! :P Also -- can you paint that plastic?! We have the same type of stuff on our porch roof and we want ANYTHING BUT WHITE. I looks SO dirty!

  19. Oh, I know the feeling! My front porch is so gnarly...peeling paint, detached banisters, paw print-covered and scratched up door.

    Let's just say home improvements have not been a priority, with all my foster dogs milling about--but I think it might be time to tackle this one!

  20. HAHAAAAAAAAAA! This is possibly your funniest post ever. Ok, maybe your front porch could use a hair of sprucing but nothing a few bolts, some sanding and some paint and maybe a few flowers wouldnt fix, right?! Maybe?? (I'm trying to be positive here....) You can do it!

    Our front porch isn't so bad. It's really just for pure function. Concrete, iron railing much like yours. Though, our front door does still have engraved "Mr & Mrs. Gallagher" on it. No wonder the mailman still gives us their mail....

  21. I hope a big tree falls on your porch and insurance covers the cost to make it fabulous.

    My porch sucks too. And with trick-or-treatin' season upon us ... I'm waiting for a little one to take a head first plunge off of our falling apart steps.

  22. Now I understand why you were admiring our porch so intently last night. I'd be happy to help however I can.

  23. You crack me up! I might feel better about my front porch --- if I had one! (Previous owners enclosed it and created a tacky side entrance). Another project for another day.

    If anyone is up to the challenge of making that fabulous - it's you! :)

  24. I kind of love the well worn "cat beds." I think the porch will clean up really well, though!

  25. Hi, we renovated our Holyoke rowhouse porch this summer. We had an aggressive squirrel turning support beams to wood shavings, plus general 120 year old rot. Not a project I wanted to take on but our neighbor complained about the squirrel who entered from a hole on our side of the shared porch. Our friend Stan did an excellent job rebuilding the porch. After we removed the floor boards I had to call in a mason to repair the brick foundation which was buckling.

    Now that the project is done, I'm trying to find a good screen/storm door and railing for Queen Anne style rowhouse. Any suggestions?

  26. I'm late to the party, but just discovered your blog, and this post made me smile because our front porch is "ghett to the O" as well! The cat beds are my favorite part. Congratulations on your nuptials :)


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