August 28, 2012

The Big Blow: Part II

When last we left off, our intrepid, innocent, gung-ho home owners received two pallets (40 twenty-five pound bags) of cellulose insulation. The next step? Actually installing the stuff.  Look closely at their excited faces. BECAUSE THEY ARE ABOUT TO DIE. SWEAT TO DEATH. SWEAT AND CURSE TO DEATH. Be really sorry.

Actually, Mr. Man is probably not sorry.  As he says, AND I QUOTE, "It's just labor". But I am sorry. I am very very sorry.

I invented a new word to describe my cellulose insulation experience (and a new-found respect for professionals who install insulation for a living): EXHAUSTIPATED. If I didn't live with Mr. Man? There is No. Effing. Way. I will. ever. EVAH do something like this again. The whole thing was a nightmare. A thankless, sweltering, exhaustipating, covered in a fine dust nightmare. Also? I win 'shittiest blog post' award because I took NO photos. Not even one. I totally forgot to document the miracle of cellulose insulation installation.

The blowing machine (pictured above) weighs about 700 tons and I am only exaggerating a little. It weighted 200 pounds. Mr. Man and I were getting it off the back of the truck and he accidentally dropped it and I've never seen his eyes get that big. We both just kind of stood there blinking. And getting it up three front steps was so difficult it scared me. The flight of stairs required a phone call to the strongest man we know (Thank you Michael).

Once in position, respirators on, it was my job to continually drop enough cellulose insulation into the blower hopper to ensure a steady stream for Mr. Man, who was sweating to death at the other end of the hose in the attic crawl space. This is how it is supposed to go:  It did not go like that. It went like this:
1. Turn on machine and drop chunk of insulation into hopper. Thar she blows!
2. After a little while, rotating thingees jam.
3. Turn machine off. Attempt unjamming rotating thingees using broom handle so Mr. Man doesn't have to crawl out of attic. Remove cellulose insulation at BOTTOM OF HOPPER using orangutang arms and Tupperware container, in an attempt to see what in the fuck. Go back to work with broom handle. Tupperware/orangutang. Broom handle. Swearing.
4. Prayer/crying
5. Mr. Man sighs, crawls out and gets machine started.
REPEAT 1-5 seven more times over 6 hours.

I wanted to do this to the machine

This being a home improvement blog, I should probably now share lots of helpful hints, advice and counsel for you, but all I've got is this: CALL A PROFESSIONAL.